I can honestly say that 2017 started off different. And when I say different, I mean I was experiencing things i had never had before. I had new people in my life, i was accountable for a lot of things at home and in ministry, friendships and relationships with family and friends were changing drastically and I was just barely making it. Working 50 hours a week, ministry almost every day and trying to maintain was just a lot. let’s just say that life was crazy. I couldn’t even see life past reality because it was so much going on. I didn’t realize that I had started focusing on the wrong things.
My family always plans this big vacation every year and to be honest I was very much hesitant about going because I wanted to work and make sure home was taken care of and I just didn’t have a good feeling about going. My family convinced me of going because they said that “You need a break!” and sure enough a break was what I got.
As soon as we got on the highway to travel down south, an overwhelming change came over me. It was so overwhelming, that I couldn’t even talk or focus. My mind began to race and things that shouldn’t have bothered me, controlled everything whether it was big or small. As I am writing this now, it’s hard for me to hold back tears and explain what really came over me.
It was like God had to get me by myself and shake me. I asked God what was going on with me and it hit me that God was exposing me to myself. I was so consumed with life that I didn’t even think about how much internal damage was happening. it got so rough that I was isolating myself without even knowing it. I was around hundreds of people and still felt all by myself. Let’s just say I felt like no one really cared.
Eventually, I ended up having an anxiety attack in my room. It wasn’t until I finally had enough and was fed up with the fight and had no other choice, but to pray. God revealed to me that I needed an internal change, I care too much about people and things that have no eternal attachments and I needed to let a lot of stuff go! A lot of the stuff that I was battling and asking God to free me from, he gave me the power and grace to release myself from it all.
When God shows who you YOU really are, it really humbles you and makes you want to get to the root of the issue. Like why did I make that decision? Or Why can’t I move past this season and this phase?
When I finally arrived back home, it had seemed that I had been in a whirlwind. I couldn’t wait to get home and be by myself. I tried everything that I possibly could to release me. Food, shopping, crying, walking; none of it worked. My place of satisfaction was no longer satisfying.
It wasn’t until I confessed, accepted and surrendered it all to him. I talked myself out of it with God’s word. You would think that being in ministry, you would be super close to God, but it wasn’t until I embraced his presence is when I was finally able to change.
Isn’t it crazy how the very thing we neglect is the very thing we need the most? The whole time I was looking for something and someone to help me and it was right in front of me. A lot of times God must break us to make us. Our weakest times are the times where God is near us the most. God had to change my heart and my mind in order for me change my perspective and my revelation.
I wrote this just to encourage those who are at their lowest to look high and try God first. We always go to everything and everybody, but the one who cares and wants what’s best for you.
Let God be God in your life!